Finishing Grad School By the Light of the Moon

My grad life

Like the cycles of the moon, life moves forward in a mysterious yet predictable fashion.

With the new moon you see only darkness. As it waxes, it reaches the point of a first quarter moon, half moon, last-quarter moon, and finally a full moon. Then the moon begins to wane as darkness slides over it, obscuring it, until you can see only a last-quarter moon, half moon, then a first quarter moon, and then nothing at all. The cycle begins anew as slivers of silver begin to appear in the sky.

Such as many masters programs, my time at Indiana University in the HESA program includes four semesters of work over a course of two years. The metaphor of the moon cycles appears an apt description of my time here. And of course, like any student affairs persona, what else would I do as graduation nears but reflect on my experience? ;)

NEW MOON

Or, the first semester

Have you ever walked under the night sky during the phase of a new moon? There is only darkness. Shadows are cast from the dim light of the twinkling stars. Our eyes strain to adjust to this new, dark environment but paths are concealed. Where do we go? We cannot see. Even if we know this landscape by daylight, at night the most innocuous of objects can appear sinister in the shadows. It is a traditional human trait to be wary of the unseen, to feel trepidation to forge a new path in the darkness.

And yet.

There is beauty in darkness. It is a blank canvas awaiting a master artist. You cannot see your path? That is fine. Imagine it. What do you want to see? Possibilities await you. While you may stumble in the dark, you can create new paths and determine your future.

FIRST-QUARTER MOON

Or, the second semester

The cool gaze of the moon drifts over the land, illuminating bits and pieces of what lays before you. You’re no longer as lost as you once was. You’re beginning to get the hang of this thing called grad school. There’s a pattern in your life – class, work, and personal time. For once you’re starting to feel like you know what you’re doing.

But that sliver of moonlight is not quite enough. This land is still shrouded in shadow. One moment you feel like you know exactly what you are doing…and the next you’re stumbling, falling hard to the ground. Your knees bruise. While your hands reached out and prevented your face from crashing into the dirt, but they are stinging fiercely. You ache. Sometimes you wonder why you’re still here. It would be so much easier to quit.

Something catches your eye. A sliver of moonlight drifts into the path, illuminating where you’ve already journeyed from. You’ve worked hard. You’ve been tested. You are being tested.

As the moon arcs across the sky you see a glimpse of the path before you. Hope sings in your heart and you remember why you are here. And what you have to look forward to.

You keep walking.

HALF MOON

Or, the third semester

Wide swaths of moonlight cut across the darkness.  As you journey down the path you’ve forged, you feel refreshed in the sweet, pale light. This is good. Life feels good. You can see more of the landscape around you with each passing day; and with each passing day you feel more and more confident. You are competent at your graduate assistantship – hell, sometimes you are downright fantastic at your job. There’s a new set of classes, but you’re familiar with your professors, the quality of work expected, and know your classmates well enough. Why, you even have friends at this stage.

You’re happy.

Yet while you are growing in confidence, the shadows linger. Moonlight does not touch all areas of the landscape. In the darkness lies the changes in our life that inspire fear, discomfort, worry, or any other myriad of unpleasant thoughts. Perhaps you’ve realized that your dreams are changing – instead of working in one area you recognize that you may be more passionate for another functional area. Or perhaps there’s been a tremendous change in your life – family death/illness, relationship change, assistantship change, department turnover, etc.

The shadows are diminishing but their presence can still inspire feelings like self-doubt. You question yourself. You question your life. You question your decisions. Are you on the right path?

You look around and take a deep breath. You’ve journeyed far. The tests you’ve endured have built you up. You remember your confidence. And so you deal with those unpleasant feelings and keep moving forward.

LAST-QUARTER MOON

Or, the fourth semester

Pale light nearly encompasses everything. You can see most of your path. In fact, there’s not much of the path left. Graduation, that moment the full moon rises, is nearing.

You survey the land; after all this time you are still a bit surprised by how much you can see under the moon’s light. You’ve accomplished a good deal within your assistantship, practicum experiences, classes, and other personal accomplishments.

The path you are walking is mostly lit and you no longer feel as though you are walking in darkness. This semester you will have your final set of classes, begin the transition process at your assistantship, enjoy what time you have left with your friends, and initiate the job search process…

And therein the shadows persist.

You can see the path that leads to graduation, but what comes next? Will you be able to find a job? Will you be able to find the right job?

Your stomach knots. You begin to worry. There’s a hollow feeling in your chest as anxiety rises. The shadows are diminishing, yes, but you can practically hear them begin to whisper cruel things; you will never find a job, you will be the only person within your cohort to not find a job – its ramen and your parents’ basement for the future…

But you refuse to succumb to the darkness. You’ve seen the pattern. You know where your path leads. More light enters your life as time passes. Reflecting on past cohorts reminds you that each of them experienced this anxiety as well. And they all found jobs. Or, at least, that’s what Facebook says – and you can always trust things you read on the internet.

You smile.

There’s a sliver of darkness that crosses into your path but you skip over it. You know who you are. And what you’re capable of. Graduate school has illuminated that much.

It’s going to be okay.

FULL MOON

Or, Graduation

The world is drenched in light and you can finally see everything. Shadows have abated. You’re graduating. You have a job. Your life is taking off.

And in that moment, you feel a twinge of sorrow. This part of your life is ending. It is bittersweet.

You also realize, that while you are at the apex of the cycle, enjoying the light of the full moon, darkness will soon begin to sweep over your life. The cycle is relentless.

Sorrow is replaced by a dollop of fear; you wonder what will come next. When the shadows of uncertainty and new experience slide across the landscape, will you choose the correct path?

You may not. And that’s okay. You’ve been through this. You understand the cycle. Although the new moon can bring about darkness and fear, it is a blank canvas.

And you, my friend, are a master painter.

***

Comments are encouraged. How does this compare to your experience? You are welcome to leave comments here or connect with me on Twitter at @NikiMessmore

Enjoy your canvas :)

The #LonelySAgrad: On the Myths of Rainbows & Happiness, and Loneliness and Cliques in SA Grad Programs

We’re spoon fed a couple ideas of what our graduate student life will be like in a higher education/student affairs program. We (as in most individuals) think it’s going to be all rainbows and happiness when it comes to our social life – everyone is besties and you’re going to totally have a lot of fun with these like-minded folks. Yay for cohorts!

Maybe that concept is derived from assuming that since we had awesome friendships in undergrad with similar student-leader types, we of course would click with our fellow SA grads. Or perhaps we attended a university with an SA program and noticed how tight their cohorts appeared to be. Regardless of where this idea originates, based on informal chats with grads in my program and friends who have graduated from other SA grad programs, it appears that many of us have this expectation.

And for many, it is not getting met. Not always.

It’s not intentional; it sort of just happens. The reason why I write about this issue now is that I feel this loneliness is a hidden truth within student affairs grad programs. The problem is that we don’t seem to realize this is happening to lots of different folks – it’s not just one person here and there.

I want you to know that you’re not going crazy. You’re not alone.

This post will present 4 examples of this loneliness that pervades many people’s experiences; as well as provide some brief speculations as to why this occurs and some tips for improvement. Mind you, this won’t speak to all experiences but hopefully will illustrate one you may connect with. Are you "The White Rabbit", "The Gollum", "The Left-Out Loki", or "The Doctor"?

1.) The White Rabbit

We all know The White Rabbit from “Alice in Wonderland” (or perhaps the newest incarnation in “Once Upon a Time”). He’s late, he’s late, for a very important date – just like you! You’re running from meeting to doing homework to attending class, and oh, you try to sleep also! In fact, I bet you don’t even have time to read this whole article! YOU ARE JUST TOO BUSY, GOSH!

Slow down, son. That's how you get high blood pressure.

Why do we feel this way?

Uhhh, helloooooo grad school? Seriously, we’re expected to spend 20 hours/week in our assistantship, probably 9-12 hours in a classroom, maybe do a 10 hour/week practicum, and then all of our studying – oh, and of course we’re mostly all overachievers who love nothing more but tacking on another endeavor. We look at our Outlook calendar and cringe. There are snacks in our bookbag because we’re not sure if we have time to eat today. I mean, if I barely have time to eat, how do I POSSIBLY have time to socialize and make friends! Even though I’m lonely and wish I had someone to hang out with…but that would just take up more time! HAVEN’T I ALREADY SAID THAT I DON’T HAVE TIME?!

Remedy:

Whoa, take a breath White Rabbit. Calm yourself. Here’s the thing – you’re always going to be busy. Not just grad school, but beyond. There’s always going to be responsibilities in your life. What you need to do is learn how to manage them. First off, you always have time. You just need to stop spending so much time on tumblr looking at #WhatShouldWeCallStudentAffairs or StudentAffairsGradStudent, or whatever else you do. Second, learn how to double dip. The two rules of grad school are: Everyone has homework and everyone has to eat. Create study parties. Plan out your meals and invite others to join you. After a while you may just find that “work/life balance” that everyone talks about so much.

2. The Gollum

So in JRR Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” masterpiece, there’s this little hobbit-type fellow named Sméagol who gets corrupted by the One Ring, which forms a personality named “Gollum” that is wicked and false. Gollum’s a total jerk, always telling poor Sméagol that he doesn’t have any friends. We all have a Gollum inside us as well. Sometimes we feel like we don’t have any friends…even though we just hung out with a couple people earlier today and had lunch with a few cohort folks yesterday…but, yeah, we just feel like we are all alone…

Gollum is a total jerk.

Why do we feel this way? 
Although we may hang out with people and could possibly technically say we have friends, we still feel alone. One of my HESA friends and I reasoned it this way: We’re leaving our homes and moving to a new place, leaving all of our friends in the process. Even though we may hang out with people in our grad program, there is no way deep bonds can be built quickly enough to replace what we just lost. It takes time to build strong friendships. But at the moment, without a deep connection where we currently live, we feel alone.

Remedy: 
Straight up tell your inner Gollum to “leave now and never come back!” You don’t need that negativity, preciousss. Work on building the relationships you’ve begun and continue to look for new relationships – whether that is within your program, another grad program, a ‘real’ person (aka non-student!), or OkCupid (lol don’t knock it; half my cohort has been on this). Don’t just give the process of relationship-building time, but actively construct your time so you have more opportunities to get to know people.

3. The Left-Out Loki

Loki, brother of Thor and son of Odin in the Marvel-verse, always feels left out. Even though Loki is adorable and looks incredibly good in leather (me gusta), the dude feels friendless. Everyone is always paying attention to his older, blond, muscle-y brother Thor while he’s the awkward adopted Frost Giant who can’t be king. While everyone in Asgard is partying, drinking their mead, and singing songs of mighty deeds, Loki just awkwardly sits in his room.

Admit it, sometimes you feel like a Left-Out Loki. You’re scrolling through your Facebook feed and seeing people from your cohort posting pictures with each other, smiling, while you’re wondering the Five Ws: “What? When did they do this? Who organized this? Where were they? Why wasn’t I invited? …Whatever.”

Aw, don't cry Loki. I'll hold you.

Why do we feel this way?

When folks are posting all their photos and people appear to be making friends, it is legit to feel left out. This scenario happens for a few reasons. Sometimes it is due to cliques forming, which is a natural response in any environment – as a friend said today, people like to be comfortable and it is more comfortable to hang out with the people you are closest too. There are other occasions where people simply don’t think beyond inviting more than just a few people – they may believe no one else is interested watching documentaries. Or perhaps it is a spur of the moment decision to head to a salsa dancing contest. Humans typically like routines and don’t like change. We fall into a pattern of inviting a few people out and then usually only inviting those specific people to hang out in future endeavors.

Remedy:

This isn’t Mean Girls and no one is going to tell you that you can’t sit with them. Remember that there are probably quite a few other people who get lonely and if they don’t feel lonely, they still may want some new friends! If you feel uncomfortable inviting yourself along to things (because, yeah, awkward), then be the change you wish to see! Think of a fun social idea (ranging from a study night to The Hobbit Midnight Premiere Outing to drinks & dancing), talk to a few others to see if there is general interest, and then work with others to make it happen! Invite everyone. If the community you live in does not exist as you believe it should, then work to create that community. Also, if you never feel like a “Left-Out Loki” then recognize that others may – be sure to expand your group and invite others to hang out.

4. The Doctor

The Doctor is a Time Lord, the last member of an alien species. He travels through time and space, generally hanging around only humans. It can be frustrating sometimes because they’re not from his culture. They don’t get that time is “a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey... stuff” or that you can’t just ask about what happened to Gallifrey, or that it is totally not cool to try to touch his TARDIS without asking. Now the Doctor often feels detached from people and it can take a while (poor Martha!) for him to trust someone. Sometimes he feels alone, because these humans that he hangs out just cannot understand…And there are some grads who get what it feels like to have the people around them misunderstand their culture or identity.

Jeez, can't I go someplace where I don't have to explain what a Time Lord is??

Why do we feel this way?

There are plenty of The Doctor’s in grad programs, according to the anecdotal reports and research (Gildersleeve, Croom, & Vasquez, 2011). Students who come from different cultures or have marginalized identities can experience microaggressions or less subtle forms of discrimination, which then can lead to difficulty forming friendships. While student affairs claims social justice as a cornerstone of the field, we’re all humans who have grown up in a sexist, racist, homophobic, ableist, {etc} society. As one of my mentors said to me, “Impact > Intent”, meaning that someone may intend well but still say or do something highly offensive. Or really, maybe everyone is cool but they still don’t ‘get’ you – they don’t understand your love for big family dinners or church or RuPaul, they don't understand why you have to take medicine, and so on. Which, by the way, culture shock in this space doesn't have to mean these socially constructed identities coming into conflict with social norms. This can be as simple as being one of the few non-Greeks in a cohort, one of the few people who comes from a major city, and so on. At the end of the day, it’s all about culture shock means for you.

Remedy:

So how do you deal with this? Everyone will deal with this topic differently. As a white woman from a low SES background who’s also a first generation college student, my struggles are going to be different from other folks’. On the topic of microaggressions, I attended a great virtual conference presentation (Hayes, Morris, Rainey, & Davis, 2013) that suggested some of the following coping strategies: finding support with friends or fam, increase the knowledge of those around you, and minimizing experiences. It’s not on you to educate foolishness around you (or, at least it shouldn’t be), but sometimes we need to help our colleagues grow – at the end of the day, it’s all about students who these folks will be working with…but self-care is more important, so do what feels right for you.

When it comes to culture shock, the same coping strategies with microaggressions can apply.
Sometimes adaption needs to happen – I know I had to get used to HESA socials playing Macklemore instead of what I was used to and the concept of ‘social’ including way more sitting than dancing. Just the same, you can also share the things you’re into – food, music, dancing, cultural practices, spirituality, etc. But it can still be a struggle no matter how you cope - as a 'nontraditional student' serving as a caregiver for family, no one can 'get' my struggle; and this feeling can lead to increased loneliness.

At the end of the day, everyone is different and the way you deal with being “The Doctor” is up to you.

Conclusion

The adjustment to graduate school can be difficult. Not only do you have readings, papers, and group projects, but you also need some sort of social outlet. And when you are not finding that social outlet…life sometimes sucks. Of course, there are some students with partners or families who may already have their social outlet or there are some folks who really don’t care for lots of social time. However, for many this is a strong need. Just remember that you’re not the only person who feels this way. There are plenty of other White Rabbits, Gollums, Left-Out Lokis, and The Doctors. Solidarity!

If these tips don’t work and you’re still feeling alone, check out your counseling center. Talking your feelings of loneliness out in a confidential setting can really help. Or check out these tips provided by a mental health professional here.

Also, this was a brief list of only four types of #LonelySAgrad. What other examples have you observed/experienced? Leave a comment or tweet at me @NikiMessmore.

References & Resources!

Copeland, M. (2006). Are You Lonely?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 27, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/are-you-lonely/000731

Hayes, J., Morris, D., Rainey, M., & Davis, J. (October 2013). A Thousand Paper Cuts: Students of Color Speak on their Experiences in the Academy. Conference session presented at the IUSPA Virtual Conference.

Flowers, L. A., & Howard-Hamilton, M. F. (2002). A qualitative study of graduate students' perceptions of diversity issues in student affairs preparation programs. Journal of College Student Development.

Gildersleeve, R. E., Croom, N. N., & Vasquez, P. L. (2011). “Am I going crazy?!”: A critical race analysis of doctoral education. Equity & Excellence in Education, 44(1), 93-114.

Tartakovsky, M. (n.d.). Highlighting mental health in grad students. Retrieved from  http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/09/10/highlighting-mental-health-in-grad-students/

Turner, C. S. V., & Thompson, J. R. (1993). Socializing Women Doctoral Students: Minority and Majority Experiences. Review of Higher Education, 16(3), 355-70.

University of Michigan (n.d.). Overcoming Isolation. Retrieved from http://mitalk.umich.edu/article/graduate-students-avoiding-isolation

Additional Resources (edited to include after hearing how similar the feeling of isolation is in other programs; I searched for similar writings outside of Student Affairs to let y'all know that we're not alone in feeling this way! Very common...)

Cantrill, S. (April 19, 2012). Speaking frankly: Emotional honesty. The Sceptical Chymist. Retrieved from http://blogs.nature.com/thescepticalchymist/2012/04/speaking-frankly-emotional-honesty.html

Unapologetically Female. (May 8, 2009). Graduate school: "An incubator for anxiety and depression". Retrieved from http://www.unapologeticallyfemale.com/2009/05/graduate-school-inclubator-for-anxiety.html

Fogg, P. (Feb 20, 2009). Grad-School blues. The Chronicle of Higher Education.  Retrieved from http://chronicle.com/article/Grad-School-Blues/29566